Ever felt invisible?

There’s something I’ve been thinking about all week, so I’m going to use today’s post to just ramble a little bit. Some people will understand what I mean and what I’m trying to say, others might not. Indulge me…..

At the risk of sounding very sorry for myself, I have to say that I’ve spent a large portion of my life being treated differently. I’ve been told by strangers and also by so-called friends that I’m ugly and would not amount to much. I’ve had all kinds of abuse thrown at me and although people tell you to just shrug it off and not let it get you, those kind of comments will always stay with you, no matter how hard you try to ignore it.

My point is that those silly comments have all left their mark in some way and over the years I’ve built up an incredibly negative opinion of myself. People think they’re just comments made in passing, but unfortunately they stick and they shape the views you have of yourself. I’m not quite sure why, but I’ve never been able to form very positive opinions of myself or put any value to my contribution to the world. As much as people tell me that I should think differently, it’s hard. It’s hard to wake up one morning and simply change your perception of things. It’s a process and a very long one at that. I find that I have to force myself every morning to think positively about myself and to give myself compliments. I always revert back to those stupid comments and opinions of people who shouldn’t really matter.

So, with this as my “rosy” outlook on live, I sometimes take things too personally. I know I shouldn’t, but we all have bad days and sometimes things just get to me. Then again, there’s nothing wrong with being personal. As Meg Ryan says in You’ve Got Mail… “Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal.” So, yes, I get offended by rude people who don’t even show a basic form of courtesy. Whether it’s someone not even giving me the time of day or bothering to greet me, or some man on the bus not getting up for me but then giving his seat to the smoking hot blonde standing beside me, or me trying really hard to dress up and make myself feel good and then not even getting a single compliment – these things bother me. It just adds to this negative energy I carry around and eventually you start thinking……..It must be me? All these people can’t be wrong. Surely, it’s something I’ve done and therefore deserve being treated badly by people.

Sometimes I think it’s because I’m overweight. I don’t care what anyone says, but you get treated differently. Switch on the TV, open a magazine or just look around you. Everywhere you turn, you’re being told that skinny and beautiful is what everyone should aspire to. I can never be that. Not even in a million years. Why has that become the only thing that matters? I’m still me, with my personality, humour and intelligence. But put me in a different package and I’ll get treated differently. I honestly don’t know how I feel about that. I deserve to be noticed and to get compliments and be treated like any other person, and not because of the way I look, but because I’m a good and kind person.

In conclusion, I think these two things are linked. Because I feel so negatively about myself, I’m shy and self-conscious and don’t easily let people in and in turn I don’t really give people the opportunity to see the real me. A vicious cycle I tell you! I’m hoping this journey of mine will first and foremost give me more confidence, and not because I hope people will pay me more compliments and notice me more, but because I would have achieved something and would have grown as a person and in turn I’ll be happier. Hopefully then I won’t care that I feel invisible because I won’t be!

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4 thoughts on “Ever felt invisible?

  1. Hey Lynne – I get your posts in my email inbox but had to pop over to the site to say I am LOVING your blog!

    You’re a very honest writer – I really like that I feel as though I’m getting the unfiltered version of how you’re feeling/thinking. And you’re great at writing things very clearly, at getting the point across!

    Last time I saw you, I told you that you were looking good & you almost batted the compliment back to me. From this post it seems that’s a result of putting up a wall to protect yourself against the bad remarks & everyday small thoughtlessness of other people. I hope that maybe, over time, being conscious of how you react will allow you to take a compliment, thank the complimentary person and put it in a pocket that you can reach into & grab out of on bad days – drawing on the good things people have said instead of the bad ones.

    Keep up the blog, loving my little notifications – I drop what I’m doing and read them straight away!

    Nat xxx

  2. Sorry if I sound a little harsh but waking up every morning and telling yourself you ARE already doing this well that you ARE beautiful. Beautiful inside (with kindness, integrity, pride, softness and peace etc etc) and outside (face, hair, skin, and hate to break it to you sexiness etc etc) even if at first you don’t believe it, you hopefully will soon. So keep telling yourself! Don’t give up and don’t feel bad about loving yourself as you are NOW. Think about all your friends that give you good happy, healthy compliments and fuck the others. And remember treat people as you would like to be treated, so if you are judging others, you are JUDGING YOU ten fold!!! I love you and and it drives me crazy that you feel like this because I know it’s all in your mind. remember the power of your mind, your mind is your reality. give it a try… go to sleep tonight saying I am pretty, I have lots of energy, I am losing weight, I am successful, I am at peace with myself etc etc and see how you feel tomorrow. it works, I promise! And think of all the things you want to add to that list!
    Love you honey, sorry if I was a bit blunt.

    Rose

  3. Its true though, there is a lot of skinny reinforcement out there. And I wish they would bring back the sexy of curvy women. I mean I think there is a movement towards this, but its slow…

    keep up with the positive thoughts.

    http://www.sodahead.com/living/plus-size-bra-tv-ads-should-heavier-models-be-banned-from-tv/blog-305477/?page=5&link=ibaf&imgurl=http://stylistmanifesto.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/sexy-plus-size-black-and-white-one-piece-swimsuit.jpg&q=beautiful%2Bunderwear%2Bfor%2Bplus%2Bsizes

    • Hey Kat! Thanks for the comment……It’s true though & really bums me out. I just wish people could see how that view of the world is flawed and has such an effect on people like me and others. But, I’ll keep on with the positive vibes. It’s gotta pay off eventually, right?! xx

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