There’s something I’ve been thinking about all week, so I’m going to use today’s post to just ramble a little bit. Some people will understand what I mean and what I’m trying to say, others might not. Indulge me…..
At the risk of sounding very sorry for myself, I have to say that I’ve spent a large portion of my life being treated differently. I’ve been told by strangers and also by so-called friends that I’m ugly and would not amount to much. I’ve had all kinds of abuse thrown at me and although people tell you to just shrug it off and not let it get you, those kind of comments will always stay with you, no matter how hard you try to ignore it.
My point is that those silly comments have all left their mark in some way and over the years I’ve built up an incredibly negative opinion of myself. People think they’re just comments made in passing, but unfortunately they stick and they shape the views you have of yourself. I’m not quite sure why, but I’ve never been able to form very positive opinions of myself or put any value to my contribution to the world. As much as people tell me that I should think differently, it’s hard. It’s hard to wake up one morning and simply change your perception of things. It’s a process and a very long one at that. I find that I have to force myself every morning to think positively about myself and to give myself compliments. I always revert back to those stupid comments and opinions of people who shouldn’t really matter.
So, with this as my “rosy” outlook on live, I sometimes take things too personally. I know I shouldn’t, but we all have bad days and sometimes things just get to me. Then again, there’s nothing wrong with being personal. As Meg Ryan says in You’ve Got Mail… “Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal.” So, yes, I get offended by rude people who don’t even show a basic form of courtesy. Whether it’s someone not even giving me the time of day or bothering to greet me, or some man on the bus not getting up for me but then giving his seat to the smoking hot blonde standing beside me, or me trying really hard to dress up and make myself feel good and then not even getting a single compliment – these things bother me. It just adds to this negative energy I carry around and eventually you start thinking……..It must be me? All these people can’t be wrong. Surely, it’s something I’ve done and therefore deserve being treated badly by people.
Sometimes I think it’s because I’m overweight. I don’t care what anyone says, but you get treated differently. Switch on the TV, open a magazine or just look around you. Everywhere you turn, you’re being told that skinny and beautiful is what everyone should aspire to. I can never be that. Not even in a million years. Why has that become the only thing that matters? I’m still me, with my personality, humour and intelligence. But put me in a different package and I’ll get treated differently. I honestly don’t know how I feel about that. I deserve to be noticed and to get compliments and be treated like any other person, and not because of the way I look, but because I’m a good and kind person.
In conclusion, I think these two things are linked. Because I feel so negatively about myself, I’m shy and self-conscious and don’t easily let people in and in turn I don’t really give people the opportunity to see the real me. A vicious cycle I tell you! I’m hoping this journey of mine will first and foremost give me more confidence, and not because I hope people will pay me more compliments and notice me more, but because I would have achieved something and would have grown as a person and in turn I’ll be happier. Hopefully then I won’t care that I feel invisible because I won’t be!