Soul-Searching….or something like it!

As you all may know, I decided to take redundancy about 2 months ago. It was a massive decision for me, but one I’m told by many, will be the best decision of my life. I’m not quite sure about all that yet, but I feel as if I’m in a constant flow between feeling really positive about the move, and being on the verge on a panic attack!

For example, I was on the 507 bus making my way to work, when I almost burst into tears….in front of a bus load of grumpy morning commuters! Great, just great. I had this sudden flash of panic and anxiety which I couldn’t shake. What job will I be doing soon? Will anybody even give me a job? What am I really doing with my life? I’m almost 30 years old and I’ve not contributed to society one bit!

This could go on, but I felt really panic-stricken and am still having bouts of it now….a few weeks later. It might have something to do with the fact that I only have 2 more weeks left in my current job, then I’m jobless. It’s probably that, but I can’t be sure! 😉

In the search for a new job, I’ve crossed paths with some very wise people, and the overwhelming piece of advice….What do you want? What do you really, really want?

And of course, that’s the easiest question in the world to answer. Everybody knows exactly what they want in life, right? WRONG! It’s an agonisingly difficult question to answer. A question that requires many hours of soul-searching. Now, I’m not sure if I struck it lucky, but in a way, I was almost forced into answering the question by being faced with a few very, very difficult decisions.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve applied for – what seems like – a gazillion jobs. Mostly, I was met with the usual…“Thank you for your application. However,….” Blah, blah, blah! Everyone knows how the rest of that line goes. However, I have been offered a few jobs, and they were good jobs. But every single time, I had to ask myself: What do you REALLY want? Answering this has caused many a semi-nervous breakdown accompanied by heart palpitations, tears and countless supportive hugs from my boyfriend, quickly followed by a large glass of red wine!

Yes, I’ve turned down a few jobs. I’m fully aware of just home awful that sounds, especially in todays economic climate. To some, I might even seem ungrateful. My justification? I have this amazing (and perhaps once in a lifetime opportunity…God knows, I’m not getting any younger!) to shape a career for myself. To bravely go out into the world and do what I really want to do with my life. Every time I made a decision about a job, I went with my gut feeling. And I have to say, so far in my life, that feeling has always served me well. I felt that if I took a job just for the sake of having a job, I would forever regret not just going all out to achieve my dream.

Well, what is this dream, you ask…..

I finally know. Without a shadow of doubt in my mind, I finally know what it is that I want to do. I’m want to work within the animal and environmental charity sector. I’m not quite sure which specific areas yet, but I’m willing to work hard and relentlessly to get where I want to be. I know the next year or two will be a lean year in the Davies/de Gouveia household, but we’re (and I include a very supportive boyfriend in that!) ready for it. Sometimes you have to sacrifice to achieve what you really want to, and that’s what I’m doing.

A very wise woman told me recently….”Once you know what you want, and I mean what you really, really want, you’ll always succeed at it. Do you know why? Because you’ll be passionate about it, and you’ll be happy no matter what.”

Well said.

Thanks for reading everyone & I’ll be sure to keep everyone posted!

xxxx

Back to Square One.

Things are pretty hectic at the moment. I feel like I’m juggling too many balls and I’m struggling. I hope this doesn’t sound like an excuse, but in my personal life, I can only focus on one thing at a time. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s the truth.

I was recently made redundant, so at the moment, my entire universe revolves around finding a new job. And I only have a month and a half to make it happen! I’m excited, but scared at the same time and I feel guilty whenever I’m not actively job hunting. Even if I’ve had a really long day, come home and just sit in front of the telly watching a programme, I feel guilty for not sending out my CV. I know that I have to give myself a break, but I can’t.

It’s all I can focus on at the moment and everything else has just fallen by the wayside. And I mean everything! I haven’t bothered following and planning an eating regime, and instead have been stuffing my face with everything in sight out of stress. I haven’t been to gym in weeks, because I come home from work and have to send out job applications!

As a result, I’ve managed to put back a stone in weight! I kid you not…..a bloody stone! I am so disappointed with myself, especially because I know exactly what I did (or didn’t do) to get back in this position. I just feel like my main priority is finding a new job and I just have no time for anything else.

I’m stressed out and frustrated and can’t stop stuffing my face. Especially with Christmas approaching, it’s really hard not to tuck into mince pies, extra vino and chocolates!

I just feel like I’m back to square one and it’s a little frustrating. It’s really hard for me to get back on track sometimes, so I hope I get a job soon an get this back on the right track!

The End of Complacency….

So, I have some news…..

To cut a very long story short, we’ve had a major reshuffle at work, and I’ve decided to take redundancy. Eeeeek!! Super scary, but super exciting. I’ve worked in my current job for over 7 years and loved it, but it’s time to move on and put myself out there. Basically, I’m taking a giant leap out of my comfort zone and heading out into the great beyond….Basically, I’m terrified.

I know that I’ve made the right decision and I can’t even begin to tell you all how happy I am to make a new start. But every time I think about it, my belly does a very nervous flip and I’m reminded of the fact that I haven’t put myself out there for years and it really is a scary thought.

Now, I’ve said so many times that I really struggle with self-confidence and let’s face it – a general lack of belief in myself. Well, this has to change, and it has to change fast. In the next few weeks/months I’m going to have to go for job interviews and really sell myself. Strangely, I know I can do it. I’m scared, but it’s a good scared…..if that kind of thing exists!

Now, I know that having a hot and toned “bod” doesn’t magically give you confidence, but it does help. And as you know from my previous post, I haven’t been to the gym in ages and have only recently re-joined. So now, I have to really bust my ass and get some results. Not just for my health, and not just to help my confidence, but also to help me believe in myself and to know that when I set my mind to something, that I can really achieve it. To know that when I step into someone’s office for a job interview, that I can get through it and put forward my best side because I believe that all these things are not beyond my grasp.

I have been complacent for too long and I have made one promise after another to myself about what I want to achieve, and I have never delivered. Now, here’s the kick up the butt I’ve needed for so long. I’m effectively on the clock and time is ticking. Either I can or I can’t….

I know I sure as hell can and I’m going to prove to everyone and to myself that I can go out there, fight for what I really want and get it!

Reach for the stars and all that! 🙂

xxx

picture courtesy of www.someecards.com